<<As the name suggests, this is a rambly post. Read at your own risk.>>
It can be difficult publishing posts that have a lot to do with my inner thoughts, struggles, and hopes. It’s one thing to hit publish on something and just get a few likes. It’s another thing to have people I know and see often like, comment, or talk to me about what I’ve written. Not that I don’t appreciate it, but it does weird me out sometimes.
Sometimes I want to just say everything that’s on my mind. But then I remember people actually read this. (not sure why–tell me please) So I usually talk myself out of it, because I’m scared, I suppose.
I don’t quite know why I have a blog. Perhaps so I can have a place to write. Perhaps because I hope that someone, somewhere, can get something from my struggles and thoughts. Perhaps because I like feeling noticed.
It feels very one way, writing on a blog. I sit at my laptop (with it’s six broken keys) or on my phone, and write a bit of what’s on my mind, or what’s been going on in my life. I hit publish. Then I remember that people see this. Right. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been a bit quiet over here; because what I’ve been going through isn’t something I’m completely ready to share. Those around me know, and that’s enough for now.
For me, sometimes it’s best to keep my struggles unpublished. Though sometimes I regret it, because I don’t journal as much as I ought. Mostly though, it’s just because I’m still in the middle of it. There is no resolution. No closure. Not yet. I don’t know if I’m even going to publish this.
I have been thinking a lot about my future, which is probably pretty typical of people my age. My life has changed so much, compared to what it was just two years ago. I am so different from who I was then. I’m so grateful that God never gave up on me. It took a lot to bring me back, but I’m glad I’m moving forward. I want to know where to pour my energy. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I realized that I feel the most accomplished and successful when I’m helping people to feel better, whether it be physically bandaging up a scrape or burn, or just listening to people tell me their struggles and being able to point them to God and how He has helped me, and will help them. I don’t know what I’m going to do with that though.
I’ve learned a lot since I turned 20. I wasn’t expecting to feel as different as I did. My birthday came at a time where there was a lot of change happening anyway (mainly dealing with a lot of distance in my friendships–both physically and emotionally) so it wasn’t too hard to just let that carry through to changing myself. Since my life was already difficult, painful, and confusing, I just piled more on. It’s still difficult, painful, and confusing. I still don’t know where I’m going or who I’m becoming. I have no idea what my life will look like ten years down the road. My life is completely different from what it was two years ago–and I’m still at home, single, with no plan for my future.
One of the best things that has happened during this painful period of change is becoming friends with my parents. They support me and encourage me even when I don’t know what I’m doing. They council me when I’m having a rough go of it, and rejoice with me when I’m happy. They laugh at me when I’m being silly, and listen to me when I need to talk. They comfort me when I’m sad. I could do a whole post full of appreciation for what they do for me, because that just scratches the surface. Thank you, Mama and Papa, for everything. I love you. ❤
I’m so thankful for the support of my family, and for my friends putting up with me as I try to navigate this time in my life. I’m immensely grateful for every single one of you and I don’t know that I could ever fully express it. I couldn’t do it without you. You all mean so much to me. I have loved seeing you all grow as people and in your walk with our Father.