{future}

Here I am, in the future. I dreamed of the day when I would be 21. Well, turns out it’s not that exciting. But I do have the next stage of my life to look forward to. What is that stage?

Honestly, I’m not completely sure. I hope to go back at least for one more summer at Camp Gilead… After that, I’m considering doing an internship that would take a year to complete. Until then, I will be continuing to work for Mann Tile, saving as much as I can.

Long-term future plans…. those are a little trickier. I’ve struggled with this a lot lately. It seemed like everyone around me had a plan, a purpose for their future, but I had no idea what I was doing on this earth.

Until, that is, I watched this movie. Mully. It’s about a man in Kenya who came from nothing, made a fortune, then gave it up so he could rescue the children on the streets. I remembered my dream. I’d never forgotten it, but in the desperation of searching for a short-term purpose, I lost sight of it. I don’t remember when I first wanted to do it, but I do know it’s been a cherished hope of mine for many, many years. One that I didn’t share because I didn’t see it as something I could work towards now. I mean, first I had to get married, probably, and that doesn’t appear to be anywhere on my radar at the moment. But in the quiet of the last few months (literally. I spent far too long barely talking, so much so that it’s taken me a while to be able to transfer my thoughts to paper or words.) God reminded me. Foster care. There are 400,000 children in the American foster system. That’s too many. I feel that God has placed a burden on my heart to become a foster mom. This isn’t something I take lightly, and I share this with hesitation. Not because of doubt, but I don’t know how this will be received. After all, it’s not a typical dream for those my age. But it’s my dream. I know it’s not easy. I know it’s painful. I know it brings things up you never thought you’d have to deal with. But with God by my side, I know I can do it.

How do I start preparing for this though? It’s not easy. By being kind to my siblings. By being obedient to my parents. By humbling myself every day to the knowledge that I can’t do this. By praying for the children who are in foster care. By praying that God would give me the skills and knowledge I need to be a foster mom. By trusting that God will bring this to pass in His time, not mine, and that He will provide wisdom and comfort in every step of the journey, even now.

I don’t feel equal to this calling right now. The past several months have not been my greatest. I’m currently attempting to pull myself out of the pit I’ve been in for far, far too long. I’ve failed in many ways. I don’t know how to put this behind me, but by the grace of God, I will. The flesh is weak but the spirit is willing. How thankful I am that God does not need me to be perfect before He can use me, because at this moment, it feels like I am not someone who could ever meet the requirements for foster parenting. But God is able. He can take even me, and use me, even when I don’t think He could possibly use this broken vessel.